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 TRAVELLERS BEWARE, SECURITY is tightening up everywhere. Soon it will be impossible
to enter airports unless you happen to be a card-carrying Republican
Bubba from Texas. "Whaddya mean no dawgs allowed. This ain't no dawg,
it's mah wife." "I beg ya pardon suh, in ya go, and here's a nail-clippuh."
Understandably,
irate business travellers are taking matters into their own hands.
Here's one encouraging news report. "Kahului Airport,
Maui, 1 March, 2004: A man crashed his SUV into the airport terminal
and drove right up to the Northwest Airlines ticket counter."
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You have to admit this is a heck of a lot better than spending hours
in a queue being fingerprinted and photographed. This man was in
a hurry. Realising he couldn't park the car there, in a flash
of genius he set it alight. Police ruled out terrorism as the man,
armed with only a cigarette lighter and a fully fuelled car, did
not have any nail-clippers or cans of shaving foam on his person.
Mayday, mayday, baby's botty at 3-o-clock and approaching fast, will need gas mask, barf bag and clean Huggies
Security people had no qualms
busting a lady terrorist on a Continental flight. As one newspaper
reported: "Deborah Wolfe, a Canadian citizen who was breast-feeding
her son and changing his diaper, says her ‘subversive'
actions led to her being threatened with detainment, police involvement
and legal charges for terrorist action against a US citizen in international
airspace while on an American flight during a time of war."
Phew. Ms Wolfe says the man sitting next to her, presumably a US
citizen and a weenie to boot, complained. When cabin staff were
unable to persuade her to use the toilet or cover up with a blanket,
a Level 2 crew complaint was filed. "Mayday, mayday, baby's
botty at 3-o-clock and approaching fast."
Breast-feeding in public
is clearly an act of naked aggression but changing diapers aloft
is diabolical. Anybody who's dealt with the rich emanations
from a baby's behind will know what I mean. This is biological
warfare at its most potent. Continental later stated that while
the airline did not have a policy banning breast-feeding aloft,
in the event of a passenger complaint, nursing mothers would have
to move to the toilet. The toilet? This is a confined space where
it is illegal to smoke. The combustive power of concentrated diaper
fumes that could be set alight by the slightest spark of static
electricity - leave alone the effect on the next occupant
- is mind-boggling.
But who would irate passengers
complain to on Japan's All Nippon Airlines? Certainly not
the pilot. The airline said one of its pilots has been grounded,
after he "dozed off in front of a government transportation
official" who was onboard for a routine flight inspection.
The inspector awakened him but he dozed off again. The co-pilot
finally yelled at him. The government has ordered an official investigation.
Absolutely. Yelling, 30,000ft aloft, is deplorable.
Texas is a lot
more relaxed. If you're a card-carrying redneck Republican
just walk into any airport and see for yourself. "Welcome
y'all, and howdy missus." "MISSUS? Hot-damn. That's
not mah wife, that's mah dawg..." SPLAT. Well, the
state that gave the world George Bush, Star Wars Defence and some
nifty jokes, has a travel agency that runs what it terms "clothing-optional
holidays". It recently claimed to have arranged the world's
first "nude flight". Hello people. Drop Continental
and book with Houston's own Castaway Travel. Their charter
flights feature "professionally dressed" cabin crew.
Passengers must be decently attired for take-off and landing but
when the plane reaches cruising altitude, passengers shed clothes
and inhibitions. The pilots stay awake.
When the plane reaches cruising altitude, passengers shed their clothes, and inhibitions. Welcome to "clothing optional holidays"
According to the
agency's owner James Bailey, "Inappropriate behaviour is not condoned.
This is not a Mile High Club." The Federal Aviation Administration
adds, "We have no regulations pertaining to nudity on board an aircraft.
It's not a safety issue." But what if Deborah Wolfe found out and, shock horror, decided to bare all yet again, revealing her WMD (Weapons of Mass Distraction)? Presciently,
Singapore's Coffee Bean took a strong stand against terrorism some
years back when it disallowed breast-feeding at its outlets. Outraged
lactating mothers descended on Coffee Bean, adding new connotations
to café au lait.
Not surprisingly
then, people everywhere have had to take a firm stand against the
rot. An American Airlines pilot on a recent flight from Los Angeles
to New York, asked Christians to identify themselves by raising
their hands. They were not fed to the lions, which would have been
a great advertising - and international relations -
ploy. Firm but fair. The pilot then encouraged his Christian passengers
to spread the gospel, "You have a choice: you can make this
trip worthwhile, or you can sit back, read a book and watch the
movie."
Meanwhile commuters
at England's Bournemouth station were offered this life-saving
announcement: "The train now arriving on platform one is on
fire. Passengers are advised not to board this train." Gee
thanks! Travel safe. And watch those breasts.
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