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 WAR IS A TERRIBLE THING. Anywhere. Any time. Transported into your
living room in eye-popping detail by 24-hour television news channels,
it is not just terrible, it is terrifying. Small wonder, the sight
of cruise missiles streaking across Iraq has given travellers pause.
Statistically, an average episode of Baywatch would have
the same effect on most males over 12. And now there are bugs to
contend with as well as Hongkong, Singapore, Vietnam, China and
just about any place with a noodle shop come down with a fearful
cold. How do you quarantine a quarter of humanity? Or immunise the
rest? Fence-sitters have opted out, preferring to quake at home
in front of CNN while those whose business demands they travel are,
in turn, sitting on the fence. This is both bad news and good, for
different reasons.
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The bad news,
according to the travel industry from Phuket to Bali, is that room
occupancies are down. This means fewer warm hotel beds and aircraft
seats. The good news from a consumer's perspective is that this
is perhaps the best time to travel. Of course you have to pick your
spots wisely. Now you can open your slinky titanium Apple laptop
without having it squashed under a reclining seat. You can drink
all the beer you like 30,000ft aloft and saunter in dignity to an
empty toilet as the captain commences descent. On normal flights
this is precisely when the biological imperative of 300 people with
peas for bladders suddenly becomes evident. The people are gone
along with their incontinent bladders.
Now you can open your slinky titanium Apple laptop without having it squashed under a reclining seat
Imagine empty
aircrafts. You can run with stampeding wildebeest in economy (unless
they got upgraded). Of course you'd have to fork out for their tickets.
And you will probably be served REAL FOOD instead of those mind-boggling
creations by visiting chefs who fail to realise air travellers just
want simple tucker that looks like tucker and not a mishmash of
salmon-with-game-hen-and-a-dollop-of-marmalade. Welcome to the GREAT
DOWNGRADE, the world of real travel. If you are a savvy peripatetic,
you will have already taken the first step - found yourself a smart
wife. She will do all the research on cut-price travel. Alpha Males
should not venture into this area. This is not a left-brain activity.
Well, it might be. If you didn't like the flight you could always
express your views by punching the captain and mooning the stewardesses.
But don't forget to thank your partner by picking up that buy-one-get-one
offer from Thai Airways. Buy a Royal Executive Class seat and get
one ticket free. The offer is limited to seats though, not wives.
Declining numbers
of travellers mean empty hotels. Instead of asking you whether you
have just come in from a police line-up (which is what identity
card mugshots appear to indicate) hotels will lop 50 percent off
the price and upgrade you. If you are upgraded all the way to the
roof and large men in black suits attempt to toss you off so you
might better appreciate the view, perhaps it is time to get another
identity card picture taken. There is a downside to all this. And
it's not the disappearing toiletries. Sensible travellers know better
than to use hotel shampoo unless they're the kind that bark and
are called Rover. Nor is it the disappearing breakfast buffets where
the only thing remotely "American" is the waiter's twang.
Whatever happened to good old-fashioned artery-clogging eggs?
Sensible travellers know better than to use hotel shampoo unless they're the kind that bark and are called Rover
I'll tell you
what is worrying. It's the disappearing staff. Caught in a classic
bind, resorts all over Asia have cut out the one element of service
cost that should never be touched. People. Hotels have downsized
to an extent where if the occupancies suddenly jump to 30 percent,
the system breaks down. Southeast Asian economies could fold like
dominoes through one mistimed sentence like, "Waiter I'd like
this egg boiled another five minutes." A waiter suffering a
nervous breakdown is a terrible sight to behold. But runny eggs
are worse. Just eat it. Don't put the economy at risk.
The funny thing
about people is they not only make a product, they often are the
product. This is particularly true of airlines and hotels where
the experience is worth as much if not more than the hardware. Everyone
from United to Timbuktu Airways has B-747s. Regardless of what Airbus
advertising might lead one to believe, no one has ever walked up
to a check-in desk and refused to fly Boeing. They may refuse to
fly with their kids, or mothers-in-law. Not Boeing. So what makes
the difference? People. Any perception of a travel experience is
the sum total of three to four contacts with airline or hotel staff.
If they smiled and went that extra mile, you'll come back for more.
If they sneezed, well…
Take away the
stewardesses and all you've got left is a plane, and empty seats.
AND EMPTY TOILETS. Savvy hotels are taking advantage of the downturn
to upgrade at low cost with minimal inconvenience to guests. Smart
travellers should do the smart thing - watch CNN, quake, and then
head to where the deals are. It's called the continuum of life.
Travel safe.
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